Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
