why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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