i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
