If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
