I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
