A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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