Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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