You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
