he wants to bone in the snuggie
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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