Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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