I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
dude. I can hear the air.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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