Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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