I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
