I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize