If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
