when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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