i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
