She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize