She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
