Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
