Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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