Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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