Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
