I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
