Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
