fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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