good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
