I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
