I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
