his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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