stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
