....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wish my penis had a tongue
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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