Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize