he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
