She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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