why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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