Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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