I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize