don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
