I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
