just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
