Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
