It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
