i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
do nipples grow back?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
