Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
