after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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