Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize