I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just found puke in my bra..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
