I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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