Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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