I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
