Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
