He kissed a someone with a penis
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A bitchslap is in order.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
