If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
