I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize