she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize