Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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