i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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