his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
