you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize